I Am What I Am

There's nothing quite like a new year to make an introvert turn introspective, though granted it doesn't take much to spur an inspection of an introverted life.

In years past, I've had a tendency to dwell on what I was not or could not be.  I wasn't popular.  I couldn't be cool.  I wasn't funny.  I couldn't be social.  High school was a trying time, and I was largely a shadow of who I have become.  It is an often told story of how it wasn't a joyous time.

I always wanted to be one of those cool or arty people. The ones who would divide cinemas between "film" and "movies," offering some air of elegant arrogance concerning all things evocative.  Be it art, music, or more.  But I grew up in a stable home with no cable.  I didn't have MTV or IFC to watch at night, let alone a TV or sound system in my bedroom.  Sure, I expressed interest.  I even feigned interest in things I knew little about (or barely comprehended).  There's nobody better at saving face for being ignorant of something than me (I do it quite frequently to this day).  Truth be told, I was in to all those things that sixteen-year-olds who smoked were into.  Only I never smoked or visited record stores or smuggled liquor to church outings.  I guess I didn't have the credentials to really fit in.  I didn't ride a bike or have much money.  I was just an amorphous blob that sponged life from others' interests.

Over time, I've grown in different directions.  Now I'm the "game" guy.  All things games.  Board, computer, video, card, you name it.  If it's a game, it'll probably pique my interest. To be honest, it scares me a little bit how into games I've become.  In the absence of hobbies or active social life (like high school or college), I guess it isn't surprising an activity I often do alone has become so primary in my life. Now I'm that guy who wears funny shirts, whom you roll your eyes at when he talks. A bit surprising coming from someone who once wished that he might leave a profound impact somewhere in his life (hopefully more profound than a witty shirt's anthem).

Despite my better efforts, there are some things I have long thought impossible that I've attained.  I'm married, living with cats, and on my way to hopefully owning a house within a few years.  I was lucky enough to attend E3, which is considered the largest expo in the video game industry.  It has been exciting to be me.  But sometimes I still wander down the road of who I could be.  The number of funny shirts in my wardrobe has declined, though I am hesitant to fully discard such a self-comforting attire.

And there are still things I think I cannot be or will not.  Some days I still want to be arty or into the scene of the day.  Some days I would like to be all a buzz with social media, running an interesting and exciting blog and twitter feed.  But there are other days I know this is not what I am and not what I ever will be. Pinterest annoys me, Instragram is frustrating, and I seriously will never understand the fascination with owls or other fashionable animal life of the day/month/year.

I am what I am.  I'm glad that I am, but more frankly I'm glad that it makes her glad.


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